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I find it humor…
I find it humorous that you are so determined to rattle your cage at me, it is still and always will be your cage, not mine.
The hands of pi…
The hands of piety and rationale seldom shake.
If men possesse…
If men possessed the capacity to give birth, there would be an abortion clinic in every town funded by the government.
Horseplay in the Office
Horseplay in the Office
Flash fiction from the perspective Jason Alexander Phoenix Kern
Seething with rage from my latest customer interaction I decide to relieve my anger via a crumbled post-it note. I throw the projectile at my desk mate, Josh.
“Take that you godless bastard.” I yell at him in jest as the purple post-it ricochets off of his computer monitor.
Josh has very little time to react before another large snow-ball shaped wad of letter head narrowly misses his head. The maniacal office manager springs forth from her private quarters to continue the hazing initiated by myself.
She laughs and says.
“All I heard was bastard, and I felt the need to indulge. Also, Josh you need to increase your productivity your sales are slipping.” With a flip of her long black hair she returns to her personal office.
Josh responds only with a confused look on his face. I can only imagine what questions are popping up in his head.
What the hell did I do to deserve this? He probably thought.
It’s fucking Friday, I have dealt with everyone’s shit all week long all I want to do is go home and raise my alcohol addiction to new heights.
Josh more than likely pondered thoughts such as these as the agitating actions of his coworkers continued.
The admin assistants decide to follow course and they emerge from their cubicles.
“Hey Josh can you process this mindless paperwork between your already strenuous duties?” One of the assistants asks him.
“I have been tweeting and playing with my new Iphone all day and lost track of time?”
Before Josh could reply with a snarky comment regarding her work ethic, a pile of folders had already plummeted into his inbox.
“Boy it sure is cold in here,” said the assistant as returned to her corner of the office and blasted her personal heater to uncomfortable levels.
What have I done to this poor man? I begin to think of the ramifications of my actions.
A light-hearted gesture committed with the purpose of invoking enthralling conversation with a fellow coworker has now caused an avalanche of abuse and misery. I wonder what might be going on in Josh’s head right now. I can imagine such angry musings like:
Fuck this place.
Or.
Oh good, it’s that Sublime and Drop Kick Murphy’s song playing from someone’s Pandora again. That’s great, I wouldn’t know what I would do If I didn’t hear those bands every single hour of every single work day.
Or, maybe he is diffusing his mental anguish with such thoughts like:
Hey, its ok, I should be grateful that I have a job in this tough economy.
Or.
I am happy to eat the paltry bread crumbs that this tyrannous corporation leaves for me to consume.
No, not likely. If I know Josh he is probably mentally choosing what bottle of whisky to drink tonight and picking what gun to blow his head off with after he is done drinking it. Josh looks to another colleague reading a book in the cubicle next to him. He looks up and simply claims;
“Neuroscience!” His colleague smiles and returns to his book and Josh simply sags his head wearing a frown that fit frightfully well.
The work day finally ends.
On Monday, the local press’ obituaries tell of Josh’s suicide on Sunday evening, it would seem that he could not bear to return to the office. It would also seem that he chose the nine-millimeter, classy. Perhaps I should not have thrown that paper. Maybe next time I will think twice before starting horseplay in the office.
The Tale of Two Villians: Jack and the Giant
Jack and the Beanstalk has been a beloved fairy-tale for centuries that has shifted into several renditions spanning two massive continents. To explore this treasured folklore in it’s entirety, the history of Jack’s Arthurian roots must be explored, motifs that persist through the most popular versions of the tale should be examined and the protagonist’s character Jack himself demands a closer look. The numerous retelling of Jack’s adventures and exploits have been generally perceived as an act of revenge, and thus his actions justified, but older versions of this tale paint a darker picture of Jack.
Before the “Jack in the Beanstalk“ was written by Benjamin Tabart in 1807, an Arthurian oral tradition was told under the title of “The History of Jack and the Giants.” In Thomas Green’s essay, “Tom Thumb and Jack the Giant-Killer: Two Arthurian Fairytales?” The author summarizes oral traditions put later into print in a popular chapbook titled Jack and the Giants. Though, the author regresses the lack of solid information of Jack’s true origin, “Unfortunately, the origin of this text has been lost, and folklorists principally rely on two transcriptions of this text: Halliwell’s transcription published in 1711 and the Opies’ transcription of a Shrewsbury chapbook in 1760” (124). These tales began in England with “The History of Jack and the Giants,” under the reign of King Arthur. The story begins with Jack’s defeat in a great battle against a giant, referred to as a Cormilian. This Cormillian was a destructive being that was eighteen feet tall who lived in a cave. This giant ate the livestock of local villages and terrorized the populous. In the end of the this tale, Jack digs a hole and traps the giant, killing him off with a pick axe. Jack is then dubbed, “the Giant Killer,” and is granted the giant’s treasure. Other tales include Jack allying with King Arthur’s runaway son. Together they trick giants into giving up their treasure, or Jack betraying entire families of peaceful giants to steal the riches they hoarded.
In Tabart’s version published in 1807, Jack’s behavior is justified by a giant that comes from another kingdom to wreak havoc on the villagers that led to the demise of Jack’s father. Jack who lives with his mother is very poor, and the young trickster uses cunning to steal from this giant to survive. Ultimately, Jack chops down the beanstalk sprouted by magical beans as the giant pursues the young thief. This leads to the giant’s death, a happy village and a heroic Jack. This is the summary of the “Jack and the Beanstalk” that is most commonly known worldwide.
Most of Jack’s fables center around the English countryside, but renditions of Jack’s antics travel outside of the continent into the Americas. In the book, The Jack Tales from the Southern Appalachians, author and historian Richard Chase Americanizes many of the story’s terms, settings and dialogues of Jack’s classic adventures. Thus, making Jack and his titular beanstalk popular in America. Many of these tales combine staples from both Tabart’s version and European oral tradition. In this collection of tales however, Jack takes on more pioneering and enterprising roles. Sometimes Jack would work with the giants, or seek a job instead of magical beans for payment of his last remaining cow. These rendition of Jack’s adventures lend to a more traditional ideal of the hardworking American man.
Another popular telling of “Jack and the Beanstalk,” comes in the form of a film. With the birth of American cinema, one infamous duo had popularized Jack’s adventure and doused the story in humor. These two actors go by the name of William “Bud” Abbott and Lou Costello. In the 1952 film titled Jack and the Beanstalk, written and produced by Pat Costello, the duo adds the exploration of romance and other human relationships to a more modern telling of the story. Adding in slapstick situations and musical numbers, this version of Jack and the Beanstalk was often criticized for adding many of the same storytelling techniques used in the 1939 film, The Wizard of Oz.
Nonetheless, the movie was very successful and even paid respects to the Arthurian elements of Jack’s giant killing beginnings by adding in a young humanized prince by the name of Arthur. The prince teamed up with the peasant Jack to take on the cruel giant. While the giant fell from the beanstalk as Jack chopped it down, the violence was conveyed through silly, family-appropriate humor. This film deserves merit in the fable’s canon, as it cleverly combines elements from Tabart’s traditional story and folklore from the Arthurian era.
Whether Jack was paling around with Prince Arthur or just scavenging for his next meal, there is always some motifs and symbolism that carry over in not only the popular versions of this fairytale, but with the many renditions that exist in the European and American writings. The most prominent is actually not the beanstalk, as it inconsistent. However, journalist and author Petra Trumbull states that the beanstalk does bear the most symbolism in her article, “Symbolism in the Book, ‘Jack and the Beanstalk’ for children.” “The beanstalk bears symbolism from Biblical creation myths. . . all the way to Jack growing as man and becoming more socially adequate in the eyes of his peers” (Trumbull). While Jack wanting to be look adequate to his peers does bear some notable insight, the religious references may be viewed as somewhat of a stretch.
The author discusses in the article that the beanstalk bears meaning to a, ladder to heaven, Jacob’s Ladder, or even the Tree of Life. Albeit many can see this symbolism in the beanstalk as it reaches to the sky, if any reader looks hard enough in several different fairytales, one will more than likely find some kind of religious comparison. It is noteworthy to state that in spite of the author’s interpretation, religious allegories may not have been intended, especially considering the tale’s elusive origin.
What is more consistent and tangible within the bevy of different tales is the object of treasure that drives Jack to a goal. Most popular of the treasure objects is that of a hen that lays golden eggs. Also, there is always a giant that is ultimately deceived or killed by Jack, regardless of the giant’s motivations. Perhaps the most steadfast and symbolic element of”Jack and the Beanstalk,” is Jack himself. In most fables, even outside of the English countryside, Jack is a symbolic name that relates to peasantry and simple mindedness. Jack always grows, learns, survives and improves as a person in any of the tales he stars in. Though, it may be obvious, the protagonist Jack is the most iconic leading role in his own adventures, and the adventures of other European fairytales.
Since you simply cannot have magical beanstalks, cruel giants, or gold producing poultry without a simple peasant-born farmhand named Jack, perhaps one need not look further than Jack himself to gain a new understanding of this age old tale.
Jack is an unlikely hero in contrast to others in fairy-tales popularized by modern culture. He is simple, poor, the woman in his life is his mother instead of a love interest, and in the beginning of most common iterations of Jack’s quest, he makes a foolish gamble on some paltry beans. Generally speaking, Jack is not very engaging to most audiences.
Joseph Jacobs was a folklorist, literary critic and a historian that felt Tabart’s “Jack and the Beanstalk“ was a misrepresented version of the oral tradition. The folklorist rewrote the tale and many others in honor of their oral traditions in 1890. After this Jack’s actions fell under scrutiny and he was cast in a dimmer light. To summarize: Jack was a poor man who made a foolish mistake. He utilized lies and trickery to obtain wealth, and in the end Jack kills the giant from whom he stole. Even in examination of the three main versions presented prior, Jack may appear as more of a villain than the giant.
The oral traditions never tell of a giant personally hurting Jack or his family, thus making his actions of theft and giant slaying amoral. In almost every rendition of the story, Jack generally starts by lying to the giant’s wife and takes advantage of her kind nature, she even hides him from the giant as she lies to her husband. Instead of Jack accepting his luck, he pushes it by stealing either a golden egg-laying hen, bags of gold, or a talking harp. In some tales, Jack steals the bags of gold and then returns years later and tricks the giant’s wife a second or third time.
In the last line of Joseph’ Jacobs “Jack in the Beanstalk,” the author reveals an interesting motivation for the thefts, “Then Jack showed his mother the golden harp, and what with showing that and selling the golden eggs Jack and his mother became very rich. . . they lived happily ever after” (35). Some might say that poor Jack simply wished to be approved of, for no one thought much of him. Writer and poet Lisa Abraham’s poem titled “Jack and the Beanstalk,” reflects on the aftermath of a dead giant and how it adds to Jack’s personal growth. She writes, “At each meal she studies her boy, no longer starved, he grows taller, and each day more inclined to look past her. Jack studies the clouds as he chews. . .” (508). The poem is written from the perspective of Jack’s mother and how the giant’s blood makes their farm fertile and successful.
Jack’s furtive actions in the giant’s home ultimately left him with no choice but to strike down the giant. Be it a faithful singing harp or a clucking hen, the giant wakes up at one point or another to pursue Jack down the beanstalk. Jack chops it down as the giant descends, causing the giant to fall to his death. Jack sought out and invaded this giant’s home, deceived his wife, stole his prized possessions, and ultimately killed him in self defense. When Jack’s behavior is emphasized and brought to the forefront, it can add a new perspective to a once light-hearted rags-to-riches story.
Jack and his journeys has seen two commonly repeated versions of his adventure. He has even crossed oceans and found a home in American culture. He has graced the silver screen and will do so again. Regardless of translation, Jack will always fight giants and garner their treasures. Yet, now with a new understanding of oral tradition, a moral question arises: What will Jack do to get what he wants?
In conclusion, no matter which version one prefers of Jack and his catalyst to a kingdom of treasures and giants, his behaviors and choices are often overlooked. Even if the giant is vilified for snatching cattle, or murdering Jack’s father, at best, this fairytale hero is either a cunning killer or a seeker of revenge.
Works Cited
Abraham, Lisa D. “Jack and the Beanstalk.” Southern Review 47.3 (2011): 508. Academic Search Complete. Web. 11 Dec. 2012.
Costello, Pat, prod. Jack and the Beanstalk. 1952. Warner Brothers. DVD-ROM
Green, Thomas. “Tom Thumb and Jack the Giant-Killer.” Folklore 118 (2007): 129-31. EBSCOHost. Web. 1 Dec. 2012
Joseph Jacobs, “Jack and the Beanstalk”, English Fairy Tales p 35.
Richard Chase, The Jack Tales: Folk Tales from the Southern Appalachians. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2003), pp. 29-37. 1943.
Trumbull, Petra. “Symbolism in the Book “Jack and the Beanstalk” for Children.” Symbolism in the Book “Jack and the Beanstalk” for Children. Demand Media, circa,1989. Web. 3 Dec. 2012. <http://entertainmentguide.local.com/symbolism-book-jack-beanstalk-children- 5317.html>.
Please stop saying Juxtaposed
It would appear that if one pretentious asshole uses a word loosely in the correct context, then truckloads of schmucks with associative arts degrees from their local community colleges follows suit with their new-found word. With their twenty-thousand dollar Government IOU’s tight-fisted within their sweaty palms, these guys turn to their precious iMac laptops and start essaying, reviewing, and vloging, eager to apply a certain whimsical new word.
One such word is Juxtapose, and it means to place things together to compare and contrast. Hey, if your arts professor is juxtaposing art styles for you in class, he can say Juxtapose all he wants. Why? Because he is a fucking arts professor and wears an impressive beard. A beard that will probably pull in way more tail than your purposely boyish, yet messed-up haircut ever will.
However, If you are writing a cute little review on your favorite restaurant or comparing the last two Call-of-Duty games and use the word juxtapose, then you sir or ma’am may rightly go screw yourself. Besides we all know Call-of-Duty hasn’t changed in the last four god-damned years anyway, so there is nothing to juxtapose it to.
Look, I know what you’re thinking, “We need to expand our daily vocabularies and enhance the English language, it is our duty as intellectuals.” I agree completely. However, if we have to do it one word at a time, and our society over uses said word to the point of obvious desperation to sound different, than are we really intellectuals? No, no we’re not.
Just look at what douchebag has become. This once glorious word used with conservative precision was perhaps the most cunning word to demean our fellow man. Now, it has been so overused that the only people who say douschbag, are douschbags themselves. In fact, I am surprised that Microsoft Word thinks douschbag is incorrectly spelled as it is so commonly used.
I am not trying to drop lit-bombs on people or rattle anyone’s cage. I am making a sincere plea to our current and younger generations. Think about style and context, sentence flow and paragraph structure. Please, do not simply cram in a random-ass word because you think it make you look smart intelligent.
So what can we use instead of Juxtapose? A fitting tried-and-true American term has been around for decades, and can be used as a good replacement. The word is clusterfuck. Think about it, unless your splitting hairs, which you actually might be doing to perfect your hairstyle, it means pretty much the same thing. Plus, it’s powerful and everyone will immediately know what you’re talking about.
Here is an example:
“The colors found in so-and-so’s latest piece is a swirling clusterfuck of calming greens and vibrant yellows.”
See, with a little imagination and thoughtful planning you can augment your next academic essay or thoughtful product review with such hard-hitting eye-grabbing verbs like clusterfuck. In conclusion and in summary: All I am asking of our society is to think outside the box and open their eyes, be a word master not a word apprentice, embrace juxtaposition for what it truly is, a clusterfuck.
The Jotting Josh 